Developing Healthy Friendships
What does it actually mean to be a friend? Or to have a friend? What even is a healthy friendship?!
Is it based on how long we’ve known someone or our similar interests or maybe even the fact that this person was there for us through “thick and thin.” Or maybe its based on just talking about the same old shit everyone talks about — work, family, weather, and who died that we went to school with 25 years ago.
As an entrepreneur who strives to run healthy businesses and be in constant growth of myself, I have found it difficult to develop friendships that are based on more than conversations that include — how much you hate your job, how your kids are crazy, how your spouse makes the best spaghetti on pasta night, and the occasional beer when one needs to decompress. Maybe that makes me sound pretentious but, dammit I desire deeper level conversations and accountability from my friendships.
Maybe you do too. Maybe. Or maybe that’s just the way it is — that’s just all there is to talk about. Nope, that’s the way we’ve accepted it to be. All the while, deep down we feel like the majority of our interactions have become surface level. Our friend brings us a coffee at work or we have a tough day we meet a buddy for beer and vent session.
But, how many of those interactions with people go deeper and more vulnerable without the outcome of someone siting in judgement of our actions or feelings? We need friendships where each one of us is advocating for each others values and supporting each other in growth. These friendships; however, are hard to find and even harder to maintain.
Instead, we don’t support our friends in their successes — we feel envious. We make excuses as to how we’re so busy and as to how no one understands what we go through and blah, blah, blah, blah. We have come to value the comfort of just knowing we have a friend instead of valuing what we bring to our friendships.
This idea of friendship has been showing up for me a lot lately in much of my reading, meditating, and even biblical study. Naturally I wanted to share it with you in hopes it will help you decide which “friendships” are the valuable ones, which ones you’re just holding onto because they’ve just always been there, and most importantly, how to cultivate new friendships.
What is friendship?
Ask your favorite search engine this question and the definition likely will look something like this: a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. Wow — descriptive right? So then what makes it enduring, intimate, affectionate and/or trusting? Let’s drive into that.
3 Types of friendships:
Friendships of Utility: exist between you and someone who is useful to you in some way. Some examples would be your neighbor who takes care of your dog for you when you go out of town and you water her plants for her in return. Or your friend at work who seems to have the magic touch when something isn’t working right with your computer, so you make sure to grab a coffee for them when you go to get your own. These could also be called friendships of convenience — I need this; you need that; we’re both here, so let’s scratch each others backs.
Friendships of Pleasure: exist between you and those whose company you enjoy. These are the people with whom you may be doing an activity with such as the group I play beach volleyball with or a group of guys that get together to watch the game at their favorite watering hole. These are great for camaraderie and also plug us into a community of people with similar likes and interests. Also, when the activity is over, that’s it. It typically doesn’t go much deeper than the event or activity you enjoy together.
Friendships of the Good: these are based on mutual respect and admiration. These friendships take longer to build than the other two kinds —but they're also more powerful and enduring. They are a result of two people who recognize that they have similar values and goals; that they have similar visions for how the world should/could be.
I’m guessing I don’t need to tell you which of these is the most important and why Friendships of the Good are the hardest to cultivate. Friendships of the Good require a deeper level of understanding, communication, advocacy and accountability. In short, they take effort! Anything that takes effort, usually requires a time commitment.
These are the people that experience the best of you AND the worst of you, all while holding you accountable to your values without sitting in judgement of your mistakes. These people SHOW UP.
So how do we develop friendships of the good? Here are some key points to consider.
Values Alignment
Values in the most basic terminology, are what it is we stand for. A value is an emotional state we believe to be important. We either want to experience more of a certain positive value or avoid the painful ones. We can use these values as a filter for what it is we allow and don’t allow in our world.
Many of us choose friends based upon social status, similar likes and dislikes, or convenience of proximity. This ultimately will leave you unsatisfied and emotionally disconnected. This is the reason we see people jump from job to job or relationship to relationship all the while complaining, “It just wasn’t a good match.” The same can be said of quality friendships if you continue to find them in these unsatisfying material based circumstances that usually are based in significance and certainty. Just having friends regardless of the quality satisfies our need to feel significant. These values lend themselves to friendships that are typically envious and judgmental. In other words, these “friends” may say congratulations, but underneath they really aren’t happy for you because they are comparing your triumph to their short comings. Or, they are sitting in judgement of you when you make a mistake.
In order to ensure that your friendships are fulfilling, motivating, and sustainable, you must align yourself with people that have a shared value system with you. These people don’t always have the same hobbies, interests, occupations, or social status that you have — they do; however, have deep values that you will align with. Values that typically will include love, growth, and contribution. This alignment leads us to hold each other accountable to something deeper. We don’t stand in judgement or envy here — we stand in support of helping you return to honoring your value systems when you make a mistake. These friends push us to become the next level of ourselves, which means there is a certain level of vulnerability here.
If you’re friends have value systems based in significance, they most likely will NOT make you feel safe enough to communicate vulnerability; therefore, the majority of your conversations will be surface level — the pets, the weather, the neighbors, etc.
Boundaries
When it comes to romantic relationships, we often lay down (or we should lay down) solid boundaries — how we speak to each other, communicating expectations, how we intend to problem solve, etc. If you’ve been a fan of this blog for some time or have attended any of the live Facebook “UnF*ck Your Mindset Fridays” we host biweekly, you have heard Oriana and myself discuss at length the idea of setting healthy boundaries in your relationships. We often neglect to do this with our friendships and instead make statements and uncommunicated contracts that sound like:
“Well if he/she is REALLY my friend they’ll understand.”
“If you were my true friend you would be on my side.”
“I can go 6-7 months without talking to Tommy and we can just pick right up where we left off.”
“Well if the way I live my life isn’t okay with you, I guess we really aren’t friends.”
“That’s just the way he/she is. They’ll come around.”
These are ways we allow our friendships a “free pass” that has quite the expensive internal toll. Now, I’m not saying that some friendships don’t change over time — they definitely do — but if you’re wanting to find more Friendships of the Good, statements and mindsets like these have to be addressed.
Most relationships fall a part because of uncommunicated expectations. If you allow people to justify their own shitty actions by saying to you, “If you’re a real friend then you’ll take my side,” you are not creating healthy boundaries with that person. What you are creating is an opportunity for someone to gaslight you into a false sense of what it means to be friend. You must put a stop to this.
As mentioned earlier, friends hold each other accountable to actions that align with values. If you act outside of your values, it is my job as your friend not to sit in judgement of the action, but to remind you of the person whom you told me you desired to be. It is not my job to as your friend to “take your side” just because you’re my friend.
Also, boundaries can and should be laid when a friend does something that bothers or offends you. If you have close personal relationships its inevitable that these people will at some point let you down. It is on you to speak up and say, “Hey, the other day when you said/did [x] it made me feel [y] and makes me think [z].” This is perfectly normal conversation that lets someone know they crossed a boundary and you would appreciate that action being adjusted. If someone does cross your boundary, it is your responsibility to speak up.
Judgement and Jealousy
Simply put - celebrate your friends successes EVEN if they get there ahead of you. I will never understand why in one breath people will celebrate your success just to undermine it in the next.
Jealousy and envy will block you from receiving your own successes. Choose to be intentional about the way you celebrate progress not just for yourself, but for other people whom you care about. Honor any and all possibilities of gratitude you could share with someone. This opens you up to even more abundance.
Jealousy and envy are closed minded. Check yours and be aware of the ones in your circle who say they’re your friends but secretly undermine your success.
Final Thoughts
So, if we were going to construct a better definition of friendship than the one from our search engine it would need to include these key elements:
Friendship is a choice: You get to freely choose who you keep and who you let go. You are also someone’s choice.
Friendship is love: Although non-romantic and non-sexual, friendship is a relationship with real affection toward the other. You love your friend for who he or she is and for their “good”-ness, whatever that “good” might mean to you. You love them for their merits, qualities, and what they stand for (ie - their values).
Friendships are where you get emotional support: Because you care about these friends, their encouragements mean a lot more than the kind you get from anyone else. Most importantly, this is non-biased emotional support.
Friends are honest with you when it matters most. They never try to deceive you to make themselves seem stronger, more successful, or better than they really are. A true friend goes beyond the surface, and any true friendship of the good requires some level of vulnerability, time, and effort.
Stay Edgy -
Daniel Tribby, ATC, CNP
Co-founder, The Edgy Entreperneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
