The Self-Worth Gap: How Misunderstanding Self-Worth Unconsciously Sabotages Lives, Relationships, Careers, and Organizations
Today is my birthday! As I ponder just how the heck it seems that every year goes by faster than the last, I can’t help but to be grateful for one hard lesson I learned this year that will impact my sense of self-worth for the rest of my life.
This was a painfully difficult personal breakthrough for me, but if hearing my experience of suffering can help someone else avoid it - than that might make my hard lesson worthwhile - or in the very least, it might make it sting a little less.
It’s uncomfortable for me to show up this vulnerable in public, but in all honestly, that’s the least I can do to honor many people in my life - from my parents, siblings, colleagues and friends, and especially my clients - who’ve been vulnerable enough to allow me to bear witness to their shortcomings and failures, and to hold space for their emotional suffering and massive personal breakthroughs. God bless you all.
So here it is…
I finally recognized my personal pattern of entering relationships based on what I know that I can do, how I can help, how I can serve, and what I can accomplish - I now realize that I’ve used my accomplishments and ability to “perform” as anchors to determine my personal worth and value.
If you’re thinking, “So, what’s wrong with that..?”, read on as I elaborate.
We’ve always been told (especially in entrepreneurship) - people respond to your ability to create value (for them).
Yes, AND…
The issue with performance as the sole basis for value creation is that once your actions and doing are no longer needed, you become “worth-less”, obsolete, dispensable, in that relationship (whether business or personal). Perhaps to the other person or to the organization - but more importantly, in your own mind - and this is a major problem because it forms inauthentic relationships and short-lived connections.
The Breakthrough
The foundation for Self-Worth is both a Worthy Identity AND Worthy (Values Aligned) Actions.
Your worth isn’t based solely on committing high-value actions or accomplishments in relationships or creating high-value products & services in the marketplace. In fact, basing Worth entirely on actions and accomplishments while excluding identity is detrimental in many ways.
What is Self-Worth?
Merriam-Webster says the meaning of Self-Worth is, “a sense of one's own value as a human being : self-esteem.”
But don’t believe it! This definition is part of the problem. The imbalanced focus on self-esteem has created a fundamental disconnect in the hearts of mankind and in organizations everywhere - and no, I’m not exaggerating.. hear me out.
Self-Worth ≠ Self-Esteem
The Counseling center at UNC Wilmington provides a definition that is closer to the mark:
“Self-worth is the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others. Self-worth is often confused with self-esteem, which relies on external factors such as successes and achievements to define worth and can often be inconsistent leading to someone struggling with feeling worthy.”
Did you catch that? Self-esteem relies on external factors such as successes and achievements to define worth. We’ll come back to that and why it’s detrimental.
Here is the most accurate definition that I’ve been able to find to describe what Self-Worth really is:
“Self-Worth means: The ability to comprehend and accept my true value—to understand I am more than my mind, body, emotions, and behaviors, to see myself as God sees me, to accept His love for me, and to learn to love myself in like manner.”
- Dr. Christina Hibbert
Yes, self-worth is a spiritual concept! This was the single most difficult life lesson that I grappled with this year which as a high-achiever, was particularly painful. It’s also the primary struggle I see in just about all of my clients.
Your Spiritual Identity + Values Aligned Actions = Self-Worth, or
Worthy Identity + Aligned Actions = Self-Worth
I invite you to align yourself with whichever of the two you can get behind because either one will change your life.
Compare and contrast this to Self-Esteem:
“Too many of us settle for “self-esteem”—for feeling good about how we act, look, feel, think—instead of seeking what lies beneath. We fail to get to know our true selves because we’re too caught up in the selves we create.”
- Dr. Christina Hibbert
Do you see the stark difference there? The basis for each is completely different.
*Self-Esteem is External - Self-Worth Is Internal (& Eternal)*
This explains the ongoing symptoms of disconnect that I’ve experienced and have witnessed over and over in my clients. So let’s get to why this massive misunderstanding of the concept of self-worth is sabotaging the vast majority of people - and how it’s happening unconsciously, without you even realizing that your own values and beliefs are leading you to create circumstances you don’t prefer and to perpetuate them over and over in detrimental cycles and patterns that you just can’t seem to break out of…
As a society, we have become overly-reliant on external factors such as actions and achievements to define what has value and to feel good… and these have become measures for success and high-performance in our lives, relationships, careers, and even in organizations.
How do I know?
Not only have I lived this, but after coaching and counseling hundreds of individuals throughout my career, I’ve come to realize that we (literally) all have this one major affliction in common - Poor Self-Worth - because we’ve been programmed to prioritize Self-Esteem.
In my first year of coaching, I hypothesized that men and women would have completely different problems. I thought that men’s concerns would center around under-developed Emotional Intelligence (Eq) and poor communication skills. I thought that women’s concerns would center around “not-enoughness” and overly critical personal judgment & self-talk.
I was right in that these are major challenges that people are facing in their personal development. But I was wrong in thinking that these would show up gender-specific to either group - they absolutely do not!
The truth is that all of these show up in both men and women, consistently - and that’s because they are ALL symptoms to the Real Problem - Poor Self-Worth!
Here are some of the symptoms of Poor Self-Worth that I see re-occurring in men and women of all ages consistently - you tell me if you recognize any of these in yourself, in your relationships, in your career, or within your organization:
Symptoms In Yourself
Feeling disconnected from God and from your true-self (identity), feeling like you have to wear a mask or pretend to get by
Attachment to false identities associated with your title(s) at work or who you are in relation to others such as mother, wife, husband, father, and external labels that assign you to different groups
Believing your value is based on your actions, what you do, who you serve, protect, or provide for, how much money you can earn - rather than on who you are as a person
Believing that you’re not enough, never doing enough, no matter how much you have - it’s never enough (scarcity)
Emotionally unavailable, limited, judgmental, self-critical, self-doubting
Perceive vulnerability as your weakness
Inability to be honest with yourself about your own needs, wants, and desires so that you can’t communicate them clearly
Limiting beliefs about your capabilities
Difficulty creating a powerful vision for your life and pulling it into your reality
Symptoms In Your Relationships
Feeling taken for granted, used, taken-advantage-of, or small in relationships that lack mutuality & reciprocity.
Relationships with emotionally unavailable people who value what you can do for them, not who you are.
Fixer or Savior Complex. Stuck in “performative relationships” because you believe you can “fix” or “help” them (in exchange for love, acceptance, validation).
Fearful / Unwilling to:
express your needs, standards, requirements, boundaries, and values in relationships
create meaningful connections with high-value individuals who could support your growth, believing that they are “out of your league”
hold a friend, partner or colleague accountable to their own stated values and actions
face conflict and have critical conversations even if things could improve as an outcome
Symptoms In Organizations / Business / Career
Fearful / Unwilling to:
hold poor performing and toxic employees accountable rather than rewarding untrustworthy high-performers with bad attitudes
take meaningful consistent action to pursue your dreams, build your own business, change your financial circumstances
express your needs and minimum requirements, negotiate for salary and total comp, ask for an overdue raise, go for a qualified promotion
network with individuals at higher levels who could mentor or support your advancement, believing that you’re “bothering them”
hold employer accountable to their own policies and stated values
face conflict and have crucial conversations even if things could improve in your workplace as an outcome
Fixing The Self-Worth Gap
The solution lies in you. The opportunity cost of this fundamental disconnect is immeasurable. Start closing the gap TODAY.
Become Self-Aware (like I did). Once you see that poor self-worth is driving your decision-making and leading you into circumstances and situations you don’t prefer, you can’t unsee it. You must come to terms with the fact that you created those circumstances (through your decisions and actions or inaction) and take ownership for creating change in your own life going forward.
Make a personal decision to stop basing your Personal Value and Self-Worth on your titles, your actions, or your bank balance - and understand that it’s about who you are. What you do doesn’t matter to people when it comes from the wrong place (intentions & identity). When you take action from a powerful values-based personal identity, you’ll begin to attract relationships with people who value you for who you are, not just what you can do for them. You’ll quickly recognize the difference and you’ll start building relationships with people based on who they are, rather than on what they can do for you.
Seek to Reconnect with your True-Self. Who are you? I’ve asked hundreds of people this question and it’s never a direct response. Who are you outside of your titles, your bank balance, your relationship to others, your accomplishments, and your capacity to perform actions/do for others? For both individuals and organizations, do you have a solid value system and do you walk the talk?
For me, knowing my true-self identity is about being intentional about growing my relationship and spiritual connection with God, getting crystal clear on my values, understanding how I show up when I’m in values alignment, and being able to catch myself and correct-course when I’m not.
Let Yourself Want What You Want and Acknowledge That You Have Needs. Self-Abandonment is just another symptom of poor self-worth. That means that after we end up in circumstances we don’t prefer, we then neglect our wants and needs to justify why it’s ok that we’re in that situation - please STOP. It’s not ok that you find yourself in a romantic or employment relationship where you have no chance of getting your needs met. But, now that you’ve realized it for what it is, do what you need to do to get out of that situation quickly and compassionately.
If you’re in a position of leadership in an organization, especially if you’re struggling with retention of high-value talent, start taking the Self-Worth Gap into consideration.
Ensure your organization espouses a strong value system and future vision. Recruit to your values and walk the talk! External factors such as successes and achievements are nice to have, but prioritize values alignment in recruiting and there will be less conflict and fewer performance issues in the long-term.
Make sure employee rewards, compensation, promotions, and performance management thresholds place a higher value on team members who are values aligned, trustworthy, and have a positive attitude while also deemphasizing high-performers who lack values alignment, are untrustworthy, and have a bad attitude.
Invite consistent feedback from team members who are values aligned and trustworthy (this will require you to get to know them on a deeper level).
Fixing the Self-Worth Gap isn’t complex but it does require radical honesty and consistency. Remember, you are worthy of love, respect, and all of the abundance that is your birthright. I want to hear your thoughts on this piece. Write to me at Oriana@EdgyEntrepreneurs.com.
Stay Edgy -
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
Co-Founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
Personal Performance & Executive Coach
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
Sources:
Merriam-Webster definition of Self-Worth accessed 11/17/2022, (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/self-worth)
Counseling Center at the University of North Carolina (UNC) Wilmington definition of self-worth accessed 11/17/2022 (https://uncw.edu/counseling/selfworth.html#:~:text=Self%2Dworth%20is%20the%20internal,someone%20struggling%20with%20feeling%20worthy.)
“If Self-Esteem is a Myth, Then What is The Truth? Understanding Self-Worth” blog post by Dr. Christina Hibbert published 03/03/2014, accessed 11/17/2022 (https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/if-self-esteem-is-a-myth-then-what-is-the-truth-understanding-self-worth/)
