Being Alone vs. Feeling Lonely: What’s The Difference?
What does it mean to feel lonely & why do we try to avoid it?
It’s important to understand that loneliness is an emotional state or a state of mind (a mindset).
While many people attribute loneliness as the outcome of being alone, that is inaccurate. Loneliness is not an exclusive outcome of being alone. Loneliness has various causes, and it is often perceived as an involuntary separation, rejection, or abandonment by other people and is often entrenched in the belief that something is missing.
Anyone who has experienced loneliness can attest to the fact that it is common to feel lonely even in a crowded room or within the context of your relationships.
Loneliness plays into your state of mind when you feel alone and isolated. It causes people to feel empty and unwanted. People who are lonely often crave human contact, but their state of mind makes it more difficult to form connections with other people.
Loneliness is a universal human emotion that is complex and unique to each individual because it has no single common external cause outside of its basis in sadness. However, the perception that solitude automatically leads to loneliness may lead people to fear being alone - that is to say, to avoid giving themselves the space and opportunity to feel, face, and heal the sadness at the root cause of their loneliness - further deepening their emotional pain.
Almost all definitions available for loneliness include the experience of sadness, social isolation, and even abandonment. Literature about the experience of loneliness also includes acknowledgement that it is a potentially damaging state of mind due to its connection to depression which can be described as a prolonged and deepened state of sadness that is difficult to escape for some period of time and may include a chemical imbalance in the brain. While depression seems like the most obvious health concern, there are other more surprising health concerns including higher stress, decreased memory, changes in the brain, increased risk of substance abuse, and even heart problems.
If you’re struggling with loneliness and you’re ready to overcome, it would serve you to work with a mental/emotional health professional such as a coach or therapist.
Loneliness vs. Solitude
Whereas loneliness is a state of mind, being alone is a voluntary state of being. People who enjoy spending time by themselves continue to maintain positive social relationships that they can return to when they crave connection. They still spend time with others, but these interactions are balanced with periods of time alone.
Solitude is a state of being alone without being lonely and can lead to self-awareness and the opportunity to experience some much needed peace, calm, or quiet in an otherwise chaotic world. Ask the parent of a toddler and they are likely to agree that getting even just a few minutes to themselves is both a challenge and a gift to their sanity.
The fact that spending time in solitude for many feels like both a challenge and a gift to oneself is a testament to the power of intentional solitude as it relates to coping, creating balance, and finding refuge for oneself in the chaotic environments in which we live and work. Intentionally carving out time to be alone, particularly in one’s own home or personal environment where you feel the safest, is not only a critical component of self-care but a large contributing factor to positive mental health and wellbeing. Not everyone has the opportunity to do this with any degree of regularity so if you do, recognize that it’s something to be grateful for and to take advantage of.
“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.”
Solitude is the learning lab of personal growth.
Solitude is a time that can be used for reflection, deep thinking and reading, creativity, inner searching or growth, or enjoyment of some kind. Solitude suggests peacefulness stemming from a state of inner richness. It is a means of enjoying the quiet and whatever it brings that is satisfying and from which we draw sustenance. It is something we cultivate. Solitude is refreshing; an opportunity to renew ourselves. In other words, it replenishes us.
Why do some people avoid solitude?
Loss & Grief
Instead, avoiding solitude is often a form of resistance to the experience of our painful emotions, thus, prolonging the period of time in which continue to hold onto them from the equally painful position of resistance.
For many people who have experienced the loss of a loved one through break-up, divorce, or death, spending time in solitude is something that is often avoided. The experience of being alone after many years of companionship has to be “relearned” from a new and different perspective outside the context of the relationship.
Individuals in these circumstances often perceive that avoiding solitude will help them avoid the impending experience of grief and feeling the emotions associated with the end of a relationship - but that is not the case. Simply, the awareness that solitude and one’s own company is something that can be enjoyable again, instead of a reminder of loss, has to be relearned through experience.
Solitude gives you the time and space to breathe, reflect, be present with your emotions, feel them, and let them go. It is an opportunity to experience a renewal of your spirit - don’t take that away from yourself - seek solitude and set the intention that it grow and replenish you no matter what the experience is like.
Co-Dependency
Simply stated, codependency is described as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. It is not uncommon for individuals in co-dependent relationships to actively discourage taking time out alone for any purpose.
In this circular relationship, the codependent person, known as ‘the giver’, feels worthless unless they are needed by, and making sacrifices for, the enabler, otherwise known as ‘the taker’. The giver’s most common sacrifice is him or herself. Therefore, doing things for themselves that don’t directly benefit the enabling partner are unlikely - that includes giving themselves the gift of solitude.
Because the taker benefits from the givers self-sacrifice, they are unlikely to encourage and may even actively discourage the giver from doing things for him or herself when they don’t see how the outcome benefits them. The co-dependent relationship is both mentally exhausting and emotionally destructive. If you crave time along and wish you could take it, but find yourself feeling like you can’t because your partner “needs you” or would be upset if you did something meaningful for yourself that did not include them, you could be struggling with codependency in your relationship.
If you’re struggling with loss, grief, or co-dependency and you’re ready to overcome, it would serve you to work with a mental/emotional health professional such as a coach or therapist.
If you’re looking for a place to find like-minded individuals to collaborative with and get support for your relationship and business pain-points, we invite you to become a member of the Edgy Entrepreneur Community on Facebook and join us for Unf*ck Your Mindset Friday at 12:30pm ET on June 3rd where we’ll discuss this topic in more detail, answer your questions, and help you unpack this topic further.
Stay Edgy-
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
Co-Founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
