How Assumptions Create Communication & Relationship Breakdowns.. and What to do Instead
The human brain looks for shortcuts to process information as fast as possible. But have you ever taken a few moments to consider what assumptions actually are, what your personal assumptions represent about you, and how they could be impacting your relationships?
Most people have not. We simply react and respond in life and relationships through the lens of our assumptions- drawing conclusions and making decisions based on those conclusions - and then later experiencing the fall-out of our own lack of questioning and due diligence. If you’ve ever had an experience like that, in hindsight, everything became 20/20 - including your misplaced assumptions. This creates a terrible feeling inside. You may ask yourself questions like, “how could I not have known?” or “how did I miss that?!” Well, you’re not alone…
We’re going to share with you where your assumptions come from, how and why they may be wreaking havoc in your relationships, and what you can do instead to become more conscious about your assumptions and perhaps even use them to create better outcomes. Here goes…
What are assumptions and where do they come from?
An sssumption is an unexamined belief. It’s what you think without realizing you’re thinking it. It’s a thing that you accepted as true or as “certain to happen”. It is something that you assume to be the case, even without proof. It’s something that is believed to be true or probably true but is not known to be true. Assumptions are judgements and assertions that are based on the individual’s perception and opinion without the support of anything to substantiate it….
Woah 😳. Ok so if you’ve ever made an assumption that resulted in an undesirable outcome, not only are you not alone, but reading that probably didn’t feel so good. But let’s continue because it’s that important to be able to “get” this. What fuels your assumptions? Simply stated, your assumptions are based on your own personal patterns, painful stories, emotional baggage, traumas, the viewpoint through which you perceive and interpret these experiences, and specifically, the meaning you’re giving it about yourself.
“Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”
5 Mindset Tools to Shift Your Assumptions
1) Practice Positive Projection
Positive projection is when you assume other people have a good intent behind their words or actions. If that just made you cringe, hear us out.. Assuming good intent doesn’t mean you get yourself into relationships or make decisions naively or blindly. You should still observe a person for alignment between their words/actions, honesty, follow-through, reliability/dependability, respect for your expressed boundaries, openness, communication skills, values alignment, etc, etc.. and hold them accountable.
However, this means that you are assuming good intent until a person gives you a reason not to. As opposed to reacting to a relationship circumstance or miscommunication with an assumption that leads you to a trigger, that leads you to further miscommunication and separation. Instead, clearly communicate to understand and unpack whats really going on - assuming good intent helps you stay calm in your nervous system long enough to figure things out and make decisions from a level-headed place. It’s a game changer - try it. Just don’t misuse this tool by using it to justify your acceptance of a pattern of bad behavior in a relationship.
2) Seek to Learn Other People’s Stories & Circumstances
In large part, the vast majority of people you cross paths with on a daily basis are people for which you have no idea what their life is like outside of the scope of your interaction with them! The next time you encounter someone who is out of sorts, take the opportunity to talk to or create connection in a way that acknowledges their humanity. Your kind gesture could make someone’s day or even save someone’s life by giving them the gift of being seen and acknowledged.
It’s not helpful to assume that anyone else’s attitude has anything to do with you, to take it personal, or become offended - quite literally, it doesn’t help you or them. Instead, seek to learn about their personal story and circumstances so that you can better connect. When you do this they will become receptive to you and it’s likely that they will seek to understand you as well.
3) Question Your Assumptions
Questioning your assumptions and the beliefs feeding them, helps you make contact with why you think certain things about yourself and others. This is an incredibly important part of developing a growth mindset.
When you can unpack an assumption and the resulting fallout in a non-judgmental way, you create space for the unconscious belief supporting your assumption to reveal itself. This allows you to question why you believe that and whether or not it’s serving you. If not, you can consciously choose to change your belief. As with triggers, your assumptions are showing you what’s in your mental and emotional blueprint.
4) Change your perspective about other people
Your negative and disempowering assumptions about others reflect your lack of compassion for the real fact that when most people aren’t performing, it’s because they are either lacking competence or confidence. Make it your role to create safe relationships and environments where people can learn, grow, understand, be seen, heard, understood, make mistakes, and be themselves without severe consequences like bullying, guilt-tripping, shaming, or even verbal abuse.
Notice how your assumptions about the way that other people should or should not be, what they should know, or should do, reflect a lack of compassion and acceptance for others (and for yourself) creating separation and an inability to meet people where they are.
5) Choose to make some healthy assumptions
Assumptions aren’t bad all of the time. You may have gathered by now, that unexamined, disempowering assumptions are the real problem. We challenge and invite you into the opportunity to take on some new empowering assumptions that are more supportive of the relationship experiences you desire and will uphold your humanity by building empathy. Consider taking on these empowering assumptions:
assume other people are seeking happiness for their lives - just like you
assume other people are trying to avoid suffering in their lives - just like you
assume other people want be seen, heard, and understood - just like you
assume other people know sadness, loneliness, and despair - just like you
assume other people are seeking to fulfill their needs - just like you
assume other people are learning about life - just like you
assume there is someone out there who is/has been frustrated based on their negative assumptions about you - and you may not even know it
assume you’re the one whose not communicating clearly - and give the benefit of the doubt
assume that you are an integral part of a collective consciousness - and therefore, we are all one
If this blog created an internal shift or realization for you, let us know. Inspired by the third of the four agreements, “Don’t Make Assumptions”, in the best-selling book by don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements.
Stay Edgy-
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
Co-Founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
