Respond Instead of Reacting to Form Stronger Relationships
What does it mean to react? Why does it matter to our ability to form stronger relationships?
Within the context of your relationships, you may be thinking that your reactions only happen when someone does something that elicits or warrants a reaction out of you. You may also think that if someone does that - they deserve a reaction from you!
The reality, however, is that it’s a choice. Your reaction represents your inability to value yourself enough to protect your energy. Yep - I said what I said!
You have a choice as to whether or not you react to your external circumstances. The truth is that no one elicits a reaction out of you. Rather, your nervous system becomes activated by your own perceptions of the intentions of the people you’re in relationship with and your personal stories about your external circumstances. I’ll get back to that…
So what does it mean to respond?
Responding literally represents our ability to respond - it’s our “response-ability”. Get it?! This is Adulting 101 my friend.
This means that it’s actually more inherent to you to respond to people and circumstances than it is for you to react to people and circumstances. If you’re not already mastering your “response-ability”, it’s likely because you just never learned how.
Responding is a powerful choice! It’s important to know that - because it’s a decision.
You consciously choose to breathe into a moment, to withhold your own personal judgment about the person or the situation, to listen to your body’s subtle cues, and to take control of your mind (and mouth). In doing that, you prevent your nervous system from highjacking you into a reaction - this is called self-regulating.
Learning how to self-regulate instead of expecting other people to regulate your nervous system for you is literally a super-power that all of the highest performers in with world will tell you is a NON-NEGOTIABLE!
Not only does it help you to live a happier, healthier, and more peaceful life - it also helps you improve your communication in your relationships. It’s an all around win-win-WIN!
So let’s get back to your perceptions of the intentions of others, and your personal stories about your external circumstances...
If you’re going to be able to choose to respond and learn to self-regulate, it is first necessary for you to become self-aware about how you might be allowing yourself to think and operate in a highly reactive manner in your life and relationships.
Here’s what that looks like:
Your negative perceptions of others intentions + your negative personal stories about the circumstances = nervous system activation = REACTION!
If you’re moving through life in a highly reactive state, you may be experiencing any of the following at any given time:
You consistently have mis-communications and misunderstandings with people that leave you frustrated and upset
Your relationships seem shallow, lacking depth and intimacy
You engage in arguments and conversations often become “heated” discussions
You often feel nervous, anxious, triggered, or “activated” - this may lead you to spend your time criticizing and correcting others
You often end up yelling, screaming, or storming out of the room and then ruminating over what occurred and what was said
You often argue from a place of righteousness and feel it important to teach someone a lesson or show them that you are "right” and that is followed by feeling stress, frustration, anxiety, despair, anger, and rage followed by shame, guilt, resentment, and bitterness
You believe people around you often do or say certain things on purpose in order to get a reaction out of you
You feel victimized by others
You’re experiencing physical symptoms associated with your stress such as chest pain, high blood pressure, headaches, shaking, poor sleep, and spiritual or emotional restlessness
These are just a few examples of experiences you may be having that are indicating to you that you are operating in a reactionary manner in different aspects of your life. It shows up in your relationships and in your business. There’s no way that it wouldn’t because it starts in your values and beliefs. That’s a longer conversation, but for the purposes of this article, suffice it to say that this is learned behavior and you can unlearn it. That’s the good news.
There are real incentives in store for you when you prioritize learning how to self-regulate your nervous system. For one, becoming a more responsive and less reactive person is a life-changing experience that will impact every part of your psyche - your mind, heart, spirit, and body - begin to feel more at ease and you start to redirect you attention and focus into your own personal healing.
Some other benefits are:
Taking personal responsibility over your own life and relationships
Becoming inspired to apologize or otherwise gain closure or “get complete” in your relationships
Learning when to choose to engage in healthy conflict
Realizing that engaging in healthy conflict is a choice
Forming boundaries for yourself and learning how to communicate your boundaries and hold people to them
A greater sense of self-awareness, self-love, and peace of mind
Improve communication in your relationships
Shortening the time it takes to reconcile in relationships after arguments
Feeling seen, heard, and understood in your relationships and the ability to give that back to others
Greater ease and relief from any physical symptoms of stress-related afflictions
There are many more benefits! Learning to self-regulate and becoming a less reactive person is life-changing because the quality of your life and relationships literally depend on it. If you’re still reading this, I truly believe that you were born to be a chain-breaker and a healer of generational trauma in your family. It’s up to you to heal your triggers, trauma, and negative stories so that you can pass down a different relational legacy to the next generation than the one imprinted on you. It is possible to heal your family and relationships when you heal yourself first!
There are many of us on this important journey. Here are some recommendations.
Practice breath-work and learn how to breathe properly - take a course or hire someone because it’s not what you think or imagine! If you thought to yourself, “I already know how to breathe - duh..” Let me be the first to tell you that you do not! If you did, you would not have been a reactive person for most of your life - so please take this seriously. This is the single most important thing you can do to learn to self-regulate your nervous system - BREATHE!
Begin working through your past traumas and triggers with a therapist and commit to at least 6-12 mos
Hire a coach or mentor to support you to take necessary actions to support your healing
Journal to create new self-awarenesses and unpack lost memories and subconscious beliefs
Pray and strengthen your spiritual foundation
Learn to meditate and take on a daily meditation practice
Take on a new creative activity or project that you love - find the adult version of what you loved to do as a child
Spend more time outside and in nature - get 30 min of sun exposure per day
Change to a clean, healthy diet
Move your body! Walk, run, do pilates, practice Tai-Chi, or other disciplined martial art
If you do any combination of 1-3 of these suggestions consistently, I can almost guarantee that you will begin to feel different, you will begin to think and behave different, you will begin to interact differently - first with yourself, then in your relationships, and in the world at-large. Most notable of all - people will begin to respond differently to you in time.
What can you commit to today? Try it and let me know in the comments.
Stay Edgy!
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
