Grateful and… Gratitude & Undesirable Emotions can Coexist
I should be grateful.
Have you ever found yourself thinking these words after experiencing an upsetting event and a series of negative emotions?
Maybe you’re angry with your spouse, family member, friend, or colleague. Or perhaps you’re going through a tough time in general. The holiday season is often characterized by just as many tense and conflicted interpersonal moments as it is by joyful ones..
You attempt to change your perspective to pull yourself out of your funk by focusing on gratitude instead. It’s a noble attempt. After all, the positive effects of gratitude are undeniable. However, that doesn’t necessarily correct tense relationship dynamics or suddenly pose a solution to what can be some very real personal conflicts that are all too common, or even exacerbated, during the holiday season.
If this sounds all too familiar to you - you are not alone.
The issue arises when we use what feels like an obligation to “be grateful” to invalidate our own or another persons legitimate feelings of sadness, grief, or discontentment, and when we judge ourselves or others for experiencing negative emotions when we “should be” grateful.
“Gratitude is not cancelled out by other emotions. And the presence of negative emotion does not hinder your ability to experience gratitude and appreciation. The human emotional body is magnificent and complex. You can be both grateful – and other things, too. It’s ok.”
You can be both grateful – and struggling.
Perhaps you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship, in your health or the health of a loved one, in your finances, or experiencing another major uncertainty. There are people you care about that are in difficult circumstances that are outside of your control. You may find yourself experiencing grief or intense loss and it just seems painfully magnified during the holiday season. Struggling can mean a lot of things, as these examples illustrate. During the holiday season, we often take the opportunity to give ourselves a gratitude check, thinking, I shouldn’t be so angry, I should be grateful because it could be worse. Sure, that might be true in some way – perhaps things could be worse. However, knowing this logically or repressing your undesirable emotions is not likely to make them go away - neither will judging yourself for having them. It’s often healthy to acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel our feelings, even if they’re unpleasant. It is possible to be both grateful and struggling, and it’s ok if you are.
You can be both grateful – and know there’s room to improve.
You can be grateful for where you are and know that there’s still work to be done. There are areas of your relationships that could be better. Aspects of your health, finances. or other parts of your personal ecosystem that could be better. This may just be a time of year that highlights certain painful realities for you. Instead of letting it get you down - consider allowing it to propel you toward a renewed commitment to make some new powerful decisions to will help you accelerate change going forward. Feeling gratitude for your ability to commit to continuous learning and improvement is a better place to sit, as opposed to judging yourself for experiencing discontentment or for not “having it all together”. Acknowledging where there’s potential for growth in your life and relationships is a great way to hold yourself accountable. This is good! Set realistic expectations for yourself and be intentional to avoid falling into complacency or apathy. Embrace both feelings. This balance is key.
When we repress or mute our undesirable emotions, we repress and mute our ability to feel across the entire spectrum of emotions which leads to anxiety and depression.
You can be both grateful – and striving for more.
Let’s say you’ve worked hard and achieved some big goals this year. You can be grateful for where you’re at, and still aspire to achieve more – for yourself, your relationship, your family, and/or your business. No one whom you see once a year at a family holiday gathering, who hasn’t been interested or present to witness to your hard work and sacrifice all year long, should be given any level of credence by you because they don’t understand “why you can’t just be content with what you already have”. Start by understanding that anyone with this type of mindset is more committed to their comfort than they are to producing results or impact.
While wanting more can feel contradictory, like you’re saying what you have or what you’ve accomplished isn’t good enough, you have to know within yourself that that is not the case. Allowing gratitude to sit alongside your ambition can help you avoid the trap of feeling unfulfilled when you meet your goals, like nothing you accomplish is sufficient, and constantly working toward a moving goal post. Taking on a gratitude practice into your daily routine will keep you motivated, inspired, and focused on your goals while also experiencing deep gratitude for what you have, appreciation for the means you have to create it, and the ability to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
It isn’t either/or - It’s both/and...
When you embrace the and, you’re not only able to validate your emotions in a healthy way, you’re also able to more accurately understand your nuanced experiences and communicate with others about theirs. Consider the difference between saying, “I’m grateful that you’re so dedicated to your business, but I wish you were home more,” versus “I’m grateful that you’re so dedicated to your business, and I wish you were home more.” It’s a small change, but these two statements feel very different! The former feels invalidating of a persons efforts to make financial contributions to the household within the context of the relationship, while the latter acknowledges gratitude for those same efforts and contributions while expressing a legitimate desire to connect.
As humans, we feel a full range of emotions - feeling more than one at a time is the norm. It is not possible to eliminate undesirable emotions simply through a strong desire to only feel the positive ones. Also, you don’t nullify gratitude by acknowledging that other conflicting emotions are also present. Leaving space for both gratitude and… whatever else is there - is one way you can capture the big picture of life and relationships in all of their beautiful context and complexity. Rather than focusing exclusively on one emotion or the other, focus on the both/and.
Stay Edgy-
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
Co-Founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
