How to Know If/When You’re Ready for New Relationships
It doesn’t take a lot of life experience to recognize that relationships can be difficult to navigate. We learn the most about relationship dynamics as children learning to negotiate getting our needs for love and survival met through our adult caregivers.
Even at that very young age, children begin to recognize that there are things they can do (or not do) that make it more or less likely that they will get their needs met. And while a lot of that has everything to do with both the competency and capacity of our caregivers - the child’s mind only knows one reality - it’s about me.
Because a child’s world is so small, their default tendency is to internalize the actions and words of others in every circumstance and to make it about themselves. Meaning, their default response to negative experiences and the negative emotions of others is that they are the cause. For example - “Mommy is angry because of me.” “It’s my fault daddy left.” Children take the actions of their adult caregivers personal. They internalize their emotions and give them a negative meaning almost by default, and this creates trauma.
It’s important to understand that trauma isn’t experienced as a one-time event. Trauma is in your emotional response to the event and the meaning that you gave to the experience about yourself. I.e. Because _____ happened, I am worthless. Because of the emotional pain and repetition, this meaning becomes a belief system that then has the power to influence your thoughts, feelings, actions, and outcomes for the remainder of your life if you remain unconscious about it.
Healing Past Relationship Hurts in Preparation for New, Healthy Relationships
Good thing taking a course on healthy relationships is required in high school, right? Oh wait, you never got to take that course? Neither did 100% of everyone else. Because unfortunately, society doesn’t value overtly teaching young adults about emotional healing or healthy relationships or any of the other critical life skills associated with such. Instead, the system relies on the idea that simply interacting with people in and outside of academic and sports settings is sufficient to teach young people all they need to know about how to relate with others. This could not be further from the truth.
That means that internalized childhood and adolescent trauma is still showing up in adult relationships for the vast majority of people - in many ways, big and small, that most people don’t even realize. I am not a psychologist, but you don’t have to be to recognize that these are very common.
performative relating: performing “acts” of high achievement to elevate the status of others with expectations that they will reciprocate with love, acceptance, affection, attention, validation, etc
people pleasing/self-abandonment: over-giving of oneself to ones own detriment with the expectations that others will reciprocate with love, acceptance, affection, attention, validation, etc
insecure attachments: these cause a person to show up insecure, meaning lacking security - the person does not feel secure in relationships and does not know how to create security in or through relationships. Instead they show up anxious, dismissive, or fearful/avoidant.
narcissism: overt and covert manipulation to get ones needs met at the expense of others
These are just a few examples of coping mechanisms learned in childhood under different circumstances of relational disintegration with adult caregivers that can and do follow many people into adulthood and wreak chaos in our lives and in the lives of others - including the next generation.
Do any of these sound familiar to you? If so, please know that it’s not necessary to have professional credentials to recognize these emotional ailments in others, but you may just need and want someone with professional credentials to support your healing if you find any of these in yourself.
“Before you can let go of anything from your past, you must allow yourself to feel it. Feel it to heal it.”
Relationships can take a lot of time, effort, and resources at every stage. Yet, our primal need for human connection and interaction is what leads the way - for better or for worse. So how do you know if and when you're ready to engage in new relationships?
Whether that be romantic, professional, or platonic, it takes a significant amount of emotional labor so it's important to be able to honestly assess your readiness (and willingness) to engage in such. Doing so will not only support your ability to have better experiences but will also help you attract the right players into your life. Not doing so can keep you in a perpetual pattern of emotional chaos, heartache, and disconnect - but most important of all, will lead you to less successful outcomes in your life and business.
HOW DO I LET GO?!
I get asked this question VERY often. It’s time to self-examine and reflect. The answers to all of your questions are within you.
Heart: What’s on your heart? Are you still carrying around negative emotions such as hate, disgust, resentment, or blame toward someone in your life currently or from the past? If so, you may be placing a higher value on “unforgiveness” than on your own happiness and positive future outcomes. Watering those seeds crowds your thoughts, feelings, and speech and other people can feel that you are entrenched in negative emotions, especially when you talk about them.
Mind: Whose on your mind? If you’re still ruminating about past experiences and things that other people said or did that were hurtful to you, you are not only giving your power away to that person (you’re literally giving them the power to continue hurting you beyond the moment of it occurred), you’re also not living in the present moment which leads you to create separation and disconnect. Even if the love of your life did walk past you - you probably wouldn’t notice.
Body: Your body speaks your mind. Research has proven this to be scientifically accurate many times over. What is your body telling you and showing you about what you’re holding onto inside? Over time, we store emotional pain in our bodies (at the cellular level) when we refuse to feel it. This results in the manifestation of “dis-ease” or the lack of ease in the physical body. Over time, these manifestations can become more and more severe. From eczema, weight problems, infertility, to headaches, high blood pressure, and even chest pain - YOUR BODY SPEAKS YOUR MIND.
Spirit: What is holding you back from having a closer relationship with God (or with your higher-self)? Seriously reflect on your response to this question - I recommend journaling it. You will likely find that your answers include some of the lowest vibration emotions accessible - guilt and shame. Typically, these are the most difficult and terrifying emotions to access because there is some very REAL pain there. Recognize, what you resist, persists. Your guilt and shame can be resolved - but not until you become willing to look at it.
Environment: Do you have space in your physical world to welcome new relationships and new attachments? If you are still attached to a toxic relationship in any way, then you don’t have space. This could be a romantic relationship or a friendship that should have ended long ago or this could also be working for a boss or a company that exploits you and you hate. If you’re still in a relationship but don’t want to be, you’ll never be able to take the first step to get out until you realize that you’re still there because you’re choosing to stay there. I know that sounds harsh but acknowledging that you’re have a choice will quickly lead you to realize that there are other choices available that would be more supportive of your desired outcomes. Choose something else!
Let me pause to say “Thank You” for reading this far.
If reading this was hard, triggering, or brought things up that you would have preferred to keep deposited in your repressed memory bank, you’re not alone. Imagine writing it… the process of this writing hasn’t been resistance-free. Writing this and being a thought leader in relationship coaching requires me to be in constant self-examination. With that being said, I’d like to end this piece by inviting you into the opportunity to reflect and examine these 5 areas with respect to your own life and relationships. Are you getting the relationship outcomes that you desire right now? If not, what is blocking you?
When you were a child, you had to rely on adult caregivers to survive and you are absolutely not at fault for any trauma that happened to you. However, as an adult, the moment that you claim your full ownership and authority over your life by taking personal responsibility over your healing, you BREAK the patterns, chains, and curses of your trauma. And that, my friend, is how you finally LET GO and take your power back. The ripple effect is long and deep and impacts generations of born and unborn souls into the future. That’s your relational legacy - build it intentionally.
Stay Edgy-
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
Co-Founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
