Healthy Venting vs. Emotional Dumping
We all have moments of frustration, anger, and disappointment. We’re also guilty of being at fault and we’re also the innocent party to unfortunate events.
Often times this means we need to “vent” or express those emotions — but, how do we do that in a manner that assumes responsibility for our own emotions versus emotional dumping on someone else? Also, when we are the victim of emotional dumping, how should we handle it?
That’s what we’re talking about this week in The Grow Your Edge Blog.
First, let’s discuss emotions and what they are.
The word ‘emotion’ broken down is e-motion. Or Energy + Motion. This means that our emotions are an energy we choose to give motion to. Please realize that the word “choose” is deliberately used here. When we allow a negative or a positive emotion to control our actions we are choosing to allow that to occur. We are consciously or unconsciously allowing those emotions to govern our actions in that moment.
We have to cultivate awareness around our emotions and what our typical actions are in response to them. Only then will we have the ability to change the way we handle ourselves in stressful situations.
Most human beings are emotional creatures. We react with happiness and jump up with excitement when our team wins the game. We also have the ability to lash out in anger when someone wrongs us. We also will cry when something either hurts us or makes us extremely happy.
How in the hell do we manage to control all these emotions rather than let them control us?!
It shouldn’t be a surprise to you that happy times are easy to share. What’s harder are the challenging times, so let’s get into how you can have the emotional intelligence to vent in a healthy way rather dump your emotions on others.
Emotional dumping is defined as an act of unconsciously sharing your feelings or perspective without an awareness of the other person and their emotional state or needs.
EMOTIONAL DUMPING EXAMPLES:
Blames others
Overwhelms the other person with multiple issues
Does not own up to their mistakes
Plays the victim
Not open to finding a solution
Defensive to constructive feedback
Repeats the same issue over and over
Inconsiderate of time
Does not respect or listen to other's perspective
A healthy venting session occurs when the listener supports the person venting by offering supportive responses, empathy for their situation, and actively listens.
HEALTHY VENTING LOOKS LIKE THIS:
Does not blame others
Sticks to one topic
Owns up to their mistakes
Does not self-victimize
Works on a solution together
Open to constructive feedback
Does not repeat the same issue over and over
Does not take up unnecessary time
Listens and acknowledges other's perspective
Feels beneficial
Emotional Awareness of Others
Not everyone is emotionally prepared in our moment of stress to hear about our stuff. Does that sound selfish to you?
Let me explain why it’s not. We often assume that because someone is our spouse, co worker or good friend that they should automatically be available to listen to us when we have a problem. This is simply not the case. We never know what someone else has going on in their lives and if they’re 100% emotionally available to listen to our problems and help us in that moment.
Does that mean they don’t care? Of course not! It just means they are not in a state of mind to be able to handle your shit AND their own. It is always polite and considerate of the relationship to ask, “Hey I have something going on that I really need to get off my chest. Is now a good time for me to do that with you? If not, when would be?”
This level of emotional intelligence pays consideration to the other person whom we have chosen to unload on. They may say, “No.”
And that’s okay! Learn to be okay with this response. People who care will make time and space for us to share what’s going on at a time when they can be fully present with us.
They are just as responsible for protecting their boundaries as we are for protecting our own.
Helpful things to consider:
Venting is a healthy way to deal with the stress life presents. Before you begin, it is important to check on your friend or loved one's emotional state. Let your listener know whether you need helpful feedback, advice, or need them to lend an ear. They may not always be in the right state to take on your problems, and that is okay. Do not take this personally. Here are a few ways you can check in on the emotional state of your friend or loved one before venting:
“I would love to share what is going on for me. Are you in a space to listen?”
“I am struggling with <insert problem>. Is it ok if I vent about something that just happened?”
“Work has become so stressful. It is affecting me. Can I talk to you about it?”
“I notice that I am feeling triggered. Do you have space to offer some support?”
“I am having a really hard time right now and could use someone to talk to, but I wanted to check in with you first. How are you feeling?”
How Are You Presenting Yourself?
When we have this time to vent with them we must consider how we’re presenting ourselves. Are we open to the idea that even though we’re venting about someone or something else, we may be the party at fault. It is easy to blame circumstances or other people AND also our reaction to those events is on us.
If we are constantly blaming others and unable to assume responsibility for our own actions, we are the problem. Be sure to bring an open mind to your venting session because we may have an opportunity for our own growth in those moments. It’s important to be open to finding a solution rather than just wishing for external circumstances to change.
Be open to feedback. There is definitely a moment where you just want to “get it out,” but if we’re venting just to bitch and moan without the ability to receive feedback from the person with whom we’re speaking, they may no longer want to be available to listen to us. Be open to other’s perspectives. If you’re not ready to hear the other person’s perspective, say that. Simply communicate, “Hey, I want to hear your feedback, but right now I just need to get this out. Can we get together at a later time when I am emotionally ready to hear your constructive criticism and how I can better manage this problem?” This is perfectly acceptable and it shows responsibility versus borderline gaslighting. Be sure to schedule that time and not just blow it off.
Repeating The Issue
If we are the type of people who continue to complain about the same things without taking the necessary action to fix the problem — we quickly become a part of the problem versus the solution.
I had a friend once upon a time who continued to complain to me about his relationship — the same conversation over and over and over again. I offered feedback, which he didn’t accept. He would have rather complained and played the victim to his partners bullshit than accept his responsibility of doing something within himself to change it.
Finally, one day during his moment of dumping, I said to him, “Look bro, I understand this situation continues to happen. I understand how frustrated you are and also you aren’t doing anything about it. I don’t mind offering solutions and helping you, but if you aren’t going to take any action then I don’t want to hear about it anymore.”
Were his feelings hurt? Sure they were. We didn’t speak for a couple days (which was awkward because he was my roommate), but afterwards he came to me and said, “You know, your reaction bothered me at first, but after I had the time to think about what you said I realized you are right and I am a part of the problem. I’m ready to listen to you and make a change.”
Boom. Being a friend doesn’t always mean you side with their part of the argument. It means supporting them in changing to better themselves even when that conversation is hard. We are still friends to this day and he still calls when he needs to have a healthy vent session.
Boundaries
I mentioned boundaries earlier in this blog and if you’ve ever read any of the other blogs on this page you should be familiar with that term. Boundaries exist to protect our own energy and emotions. Boundaries are for us not the other person.
If someone continues to violate your boundaries, it may be time to further distance yourself from that relationship. I drew a boundary in my example earlier with my friend by saying, “I’m happy to help you but you don’t take action, so if you’re not going to take the action to make the change, then I don’t want to have these conversations with you.”
He was zapping my emotional energy and I needed to draw a line, so I did. Thankfully this worked out well because it triggered his emotional intelligence; however, this isn’t always the case. Some people will feel you’re being rude or unavailable because you’re not there to simply listen to them bitch at any moment. They refuse to see their own fault in the matter — that is one them, not on you.
Creating boundaries to protect your well-being is a form of self-love and respect. It is natural to feel guilty at first. With practice, you can choose who you give your time and energy to (this is easier said than done when dealing with someone you love). Being open and honest by communicating what you need is always the best solution. However, it may take ignoring phone calls or answering texts later on (or not at all) to get your point across (silence is also a boundary). If you have made it clear that you will no longer be an emotional dumping ground and nothing changes, then it may be time to step away from the relationship altogether. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do for another is to encourage them to seek help in other ways (like with a therapist) before honoring your boundary.
Helpful things to say:
“I understand you are hurt right now, and I want to be there for you. I am just not in the space to listen right now.”
“I would appreciate it if you ask me where I am at before diving into what is going on for you.”
“I am going through a lot myself right now; I am not able to listen right now.”
“Now is not a good time for me.”
“I notice this situation keeps happening. Have you thought about reaching out for guidance from a therapist or counselor who can help you work through this?”
In Summary
It’s important to take note of the emotional state of others — they are responsible for their space the same way you are.
It’s important to be open to feedback — be sure to communicate whether or not you’re open to receiving the feedback at that moment and if not, schedule a time to do so.
It’s important to be open to change and take action versus continuing the same cyclical patterns of emotional dumping.
It’s important to maintain boundaries.
Stay Edgy -
Daniel Tribby, ATC, CNP
Co-founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
