Trust: The Most Valuable Currency in Relationships
Trust is earned. Respect is freely given.
If you’re not already operating in this belief system - I’ll prove to you why it’s more true than the alternative that many subscribe to - “Trust is given. Respect is earned.”
But first, what is respect and how does it differ from trust?
In the context of this discussion, respect is defined as “deference to a right, privilege, privileged position. Someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment”.
When used as a verb: “to hold in esteem or honor; to show regard or consideration for”.
You wouldn’t put your hand out to pet or feed a stray dog unless you trust it won’t bite you - what’s that got to do with respect?!
Ok, so hear me out - by definition, giving respect doesn’t take much effort. You don’t need to get to know a person, interact with them, or even like them in order to acknowledge that they are a person (just like you), who has hopes, dreams, and aspirations (just like you), and has the right to exist just by virtue of being a living, breathing human (just like you).
If you’re like most people, you have enough self-respect to show some degree of dignity and respect to a cashier at the grocery store, just as you would to a businessman, or to your neighbor - in the same way you’d also like to be treated with dignity and respect.
While a person may engage in a behavior or lifestyle that you don’t respect and that may even lead you to make a personal decision not to engage with them, you can still respect that they have a right to live, to make their own choices, and to learn the life lessons that they’re meant to learn.
In my experience both as a Human Resource Professional and as a coach, people who hold a belief that respect is earned find themselves struggling in the workplace and in personal relationships because upholding the belief requires them to consistently operate in as if they have to “prove themselves” in order to get their needs met and to create the outcomes they desire.
They then project that belief onto others - making others have to “ work” to “prove themselves” to reach an invisible finish-line in relationships with them. Unpacking this belief and the poor results it creates in relationships typically reveals that the individual grew up with a parent or caregiver with whom they were constantly needing to “prove” their inherent worthiness for love, attention, and approval. And of course, nothing they did was ever enough… It gets old real fast.
If this is not a relationship dynamic you value, you must consciously choose not to place anyone else in that position in order to be in relationship with you. Instead, invite people to show up authentic and you can then decide whether or not a building trust in relationship with that person is in alignment for you.
Trust & Respect Are Entirely Different
The energy of trust is authentic and light.. in time, it becomes even more robust, easy, and fun the more you get to know someone. When trust building and earning is mutual and reciprocal, there is a certain level of vulnerability that the parties implicitly agree to share with one another. As trust grows and expands, so does intimacy and a sense of safety and certainty in the relationship.
Understandably and unlike respect - Trust building is a process that takes time, attention, energy, effort, focus, discernment, vulnerability, honesty, and a willingness to give and receive mutual reciprocity. These are considered earned privileges in any relationship - but especially in relationships that are values-based.
If you are willing to give these away for free or in exchange for little to no investment on behalf of another party, then you likely have found yourself in many one-sided relationships, with unmet expectations, heavy disappointments, blaming others, feeling taken-for-granted, taken advantage of, experiencing unrequited love, and otherwise wasting valuable time and energy on people who didn’t appreciate it.
Understanding Trust
Trust is earned through actions. It’s defined as “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. A confident expectation of something; hope. A confidence in the certainty of future action(s).
When used as a verb it means to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something. To trust in another's honesty. To have confidence; hope.
Now I don’t know about you, but when was the last time you could honestly say you had “reliance on integrity”, “confident expectations”, “hope”, or “certainty of action” in a stranger with whom you’ve never had any meaningful interaction or relationship? Can you trust a person to value honesty as much as you do when you’ve never made an effort to vet that person for their values? Even when we do make the effort to vet people, don’t we still find values mismatches and misalignments from time to time?
Trust as Currency
I refer to trust as currency in relationships because it’s the most valuable aspect of any relationship. Just like currency is a medium of exchange, trust is a medium of exchange in relationships that are mutually reciprocal - that’s what makes trusting relationships mutually beneficial. Just like currency, trust is has the potential to grow (when both parties actively contribute to building and expanding it) - thereby strengthening the relationship.
Otherwise, because it is also permeable and flexible - it also has the potential to break-down and contract at the first sign of collapse in mutuality or reciprocity, thereby weakening the relationship. Trust is like the pulse of a relationship. Whether it’s beating steady and strong or is inconsistent and weak tells you everything you need to know about the health and long-term potential of a relationship.
“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.”
Trust in Personal Relationships
Intentionally building trust in personal relationships means to enter into an implicit agreement with one another. In this implicit agreement, you each agree that you will take turns investing time and effort to get to know one another in a meaningful way and that you will each be open and forthcoming about who you are - including your values and beliefs - to the mutual benefit of the entity of the relationship. Doing this well requires you to become trustworthy.
Trust in Business
There’s a reason that consumers enjoy doing business with people and organizations that they “know, like, and trust”. Have you ever stopped to consider what that means? If so, than you already know that knowing, liking, and trusting someone requires you to take the time and effort to get to know them in a meaningful way, and requires the other person (or business) to be open and forthcoming about who they are and what they value - this principle applies to business today more than ever! If as a business owner you’re not sure how to do this, you must learn to become trustworthy in the marketplace.
Becoming Trustworthy
Whether as an individual or a business, in order to become more trustworthy, you must know your values, beliefs, and authentic self - and you must be willing to be open and forthcoming (vulnerable) about who you are, what you value, and what you believe in (or stand for). When people develop a sense of trust toward you or your business - it’s literally because they have found alignment between your espoused values & beliefs and their own. Either because they aspire to that end or because they experience alignment within themselves when they are in relationship with you! What a privilege to be a mirror for others in this way. With great power comes comes great responsibility - so don’t violate it.
Rebuilding Trust After It’s Been Broken
Trust is typically damaged after a boundary violation. A boundary violation that damages the trust between parties in a business or personal relationship typically includes some degree of dishonesty and inauthentic actions. Rebuilding or restoring trust after it’s been damaged can take a very long time and may range from very difficult to literally impossible to do.
This is because the rebuilding of trust requires the active engagement of both parties - the party that violated trust and the party whose trust was violated each have to be willing to wholeheartedly engage in the process of rebuilding and restoring trust.
Most people are simply unwilling to invest this type of energy and focus on this process after a trust violation because it is a painful process and it’s much more difficult to see the potential for a positive outcome as a result of intense effort after the trust boundary has been broken.
You must understand this about trust violations:
once trust has been broken, restoring it requires the parties to start again beyond step one. They are “in the negative” so to speak. So they don’t just go back to “step one” as in where they initially started when they first met - the “mess” associated with the trust violation first needs to be cleaned up before the process of restoring trust can be started
Once violated, trust can NEVER be restored to where it was before the trust violation occurred. Think of a crispy white sheet of paper - it’s clean and beautiful and has no creases or folds. Now place some small creases and folds in the paper and try to flatten them back out. You can flatten them out, but they are still visible like scars. Now crinckle up the paper entirely into a ball in representation of a major trust violation… now open it up and flatten it out as must as you can… you can try all day and night, you can even put it under a flat heavy object to help, but no matter what you do, that piece of paper will never have the look, feel, or other properties it had from before it became majorly damaged - it’s the same with trust.
Even when a trust violation can be forgiven, an individual may have no interest in engaging in the process of rebuilding after a trust violation
I’m not saying restoring trust in a relationship after it has been violated is impossible in every circumstance, but I am saying that it is very difficult and the relationship context will never be the same again. It can be an incredible growth opportunity - but it can also end the relationship in the meantime. Most people just don’t have the emotional fortitude or enough skin in the game to wholeheartedly engage in the process for the long-term.
If you’re looking for a place to find like-minded individuals to collaborative with and get support for your relationship and business pain-points, we invite you to become a member of the Edgy Entrepreneur Community on Facebook and join us for Unf*ck Your Mindset Friday at 12:30pm ET on September 9th where we’ll discuss this topic in more detail, answer your questions, and help you unpack this topic further.
Stay Edgy-
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
Co-Founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
