Relationship Expectations: Helpful or Hurtful?
In recent years I keep hearing people say things about how people should have low expectations in order to avoid disappointment, or even more confusing, the message that people should go into relationships with ‘zero expectations’.
To that, my response is, great plan if your goal is to crash and burn in your relationships. Jokes aside, the truth is that it’s not even possible. Even a short conversation with the ‘zero expectations’ believer will lead you to discover that they don’t really mean what they say. In the very least, the expectation to not be held to another persons expectations - is an expectation, in-and-of itself. ‘Zero expectations’ is not only an impossible myth, it’s likely based in a response to childhood trauma. Don’t believe the hype!
Quite honestly, if you are going into relationships with no or low expectations, it’s probably because you have no or weak boundaries. Contrary to the mainstream message, the ‘zero expectations’ narrative is not indicative of spiritual enlightenment or liberation. You likely prioritize people pleasing over your own needs and wants - that’s hardly liberating. Most people who subscribe to this belief systems do not have happy, healthy, and thriving relationships. Quite the contrary.
What are expectations in relationships and should you have any?
If having no or low expectations is a sign of no or weak boundaries, then having healthy and realistic expectations is a sign that you have boundaries, standards, and requirements for how you want to be treated in your relationships - and this is more likely to be indicative of a healthy relationship with yourself.
I think it’s important to note because of the push in recent years for “Self-Love” - there is no self-love without commitment to a value system. Your commitment to your value system is the bedrock for your personal boundaries, standards, and requirements in relationships. They all are indicative, not only of a persons understanding of their own self-worth, but of their willingness to hold others accountable to respecting their value and not violating it.
Your boundaries, standards, and requirements are not something you need or use to police other people or tell them how or who they need to be, but they are a way for you to get clear within yourself about what you will do to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe in the context of your relationships.
When you communicate your boundaries, standards, and requirements, you are communicating your relationship expectations as it relates to your intention to get your needs and wants met in the context of a relationship.
Some basic, foundation-level relationship expectations that EVERYONE should have are the following:
the expectation to be treated with dignity and respect
the expectation to have pertinent information communicated to them timely and clearly
the expectation of privacy, bodily sovereignty, and personal autonomy
the expectation of emotional and physical safety
If you think these are common sense and you shouldn’t have to communicate them in a relationship - think again! How will you know if another person aligns with your expectations if you’re not willing to engage in an open dialogue about relationship expectations, standards, requirements, and boundaries? You need this information in order to draw clear conclusions about where the relationship is and has the potential to go in the future (or not).
Having the conversation is either going to strengthen your bond or save you from a lot of heartache - there is nothing to lose. Whereas, if you’re unwilling to have this conversation, you risk losing yourself in the relationship. Unable to stand your ground, protect yourself, or get your needs met - this is a significant form of self-abandonment that often keeps people stuck in toxic and turbulent relationships.
“People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.”
Unmet Expectations
Have you ever experienced disappointment in a relationship? If so, think back on the circumstances. Your experience of disappointment in a relationship was likely the direct result of unmet expectations - even if those expectations were not conscious to you at the time. In the vast majority of cases where there are unmet expectations, two scenarios are likely the case;
the expectation was never communicated (most common), or
the expectation was communicated but the other person did not agree to or is unwilling to participate
the expectation was communicated but the other person legitimately does not have the ability or capacity to meet the expectation
We often justify our disappointment by projecting it outward onto our partner with statements like these:
I shouldn’t have to say it, they should know by now
I’ve already told them several times, I’m not repeating myself
It’s common sense, how do they not know?!
They’re purposely trying to hurt me or piss me off
The reality is that when we experience disappointment in our relationships, it is our own creation, resulting from the following:
not setting healthy relationship expectations within, and/or
not communicating our expectations clearly, and/or
not holding ourselves or others accountable to our expectations, and/or
self-abandonment and not prioritizing our own needs/wants
Many marital therapists tell couples to expect less from their partner. They say that if you lower your expectations, then you won’t be disappointed by your partner. This advice is wrong. Having no or low expectations for you partner is not a remedy to disappointment in your relationship. Setting healthy relationship expectations and communicating them to your partner is. In fact, studies show that when you have reasonable and realistic expectations for someone, they are more likely to meet them when you consistently remind and encourage them to do so from a place of kindness, respect, and belief in their ability and desire to succeed.
Unrealistic Expectations
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who placed unrealistically high expectations on you, you might have been led to feel like you can’t get anything right and like nothing you say or do is good enough for this person. You’re probably experiencing a significant level of discouragement as a result and perhaps have even felt like you were walking on eggshells.
When are expectations “too high”? When the person they are placed upon does not have the competence, willingness, or capacity to meet them leading to constant conflict, and for that reason, they are detrimental. This might be because:
the person is lacking instruction or training (such as in the employment setting), or
the person is lacking values alignment with the expectation or relationship (such as a personal relationship), or
the person lacks the intellectual or emotional capacity (such as a child).
This is where your Emotional Intelligence (Eq) must kick in. Because it is the responsibility of the person with the “unrealistic expectations” to connect and discuss their expectations in detail. Lean in, get a clear understanding of why the individual is unable to meet your expectations, and make a choice - you can:
provide appropriate education or training necessary and set them up for success
adjust your expectations to come into values alignment, or to meet the intellectual or emotional capacity of the individual
end the relationship
Unrealistic is “Relative”
The question of whether or not your own, or someone else’s, expectations are unrealistic, begs the question, relative to what? There is no comparison available and so the question is somewhat baseless.
You might get push-back in one relationship because of “unrealistic expectations” and yet have no issue with the same expectations in another relationship context. As I mentioned in the beginning: your boundaries, standards, and requirements are not something you use to control others behavior or persona, but they are how you to get clear within yourself about what you will do to keep yourself safe in the context of your relationships. When you communicate your boundaries, standards, and requirements, you are communicating your relationship expectations as it relates to your intention to get your needs and wants met in the context of the relationship.
While it may be difficult to end a relationship, having consistently unmet expectations can be a clear sign of communication breakdown or incompatibility. Ending the relationship might be what needs to happen if you’re not able to come into alignment with one another - and that applies in business relationships just as much as it does in personal ones.
If you’re looking for a place to find like-minded individuals where you can build collaborative relationships and get support for your relationship and business pain-points, become a member of the Edgy Entrepreneur Community on Facebook and join us for Unf*ck Your Mindset Friday at 12:30pm EST on May 13th where we’ll discuss this topic in more detail, answer your questions, and help you unpack this topic further.
Stay Edgy-
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
Co-Founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
