Managing Conflicted Family Dynamics During the Holidays
If you’re human, then your challenges don’t magically disappear during “the holidays”. This time of year often brings up relational stress and conflicts that have been avoided all year.
The holiday season can highlight many of your challenges, fears, frustrations, concerns, and undesirable current realities... mostly because of the relationship dynamics and expectations associated with the season.
While Hallmark movies and Disney shows portray unrealistic images and storylines of joyful people, couples, kids, and families - if you’re reading this then you probably know first-hand that those images and storylines are a far cry from reality for many people.
In order to build compassion, empathy, and grace for those who do experience this season with difficulty, it’s important to bring awareness to some of the reasons why many people experience increased tension or suffering this time of year.
We’ll also discuss communication strategies and self-care tools for managing conflicted family dynamics over the holiday season and beyond.
Many people experience heightened emotions of sadness and loneliness during the holidays. This is normal.
There are lots of pictures and stories circulating of happy couples and families and that’s just not the case for everyone. Whether it’s because you went through a recent breakup or divorce, or you don’t have your children by your side because you are sharing custody with a co-parent. Whatever the circumstances, missing someone or missing the way things used to be is a common pain-point of the season.
The expectation that all your difficult emotions should simply go away or you should place them on pause for the comfort of others. The idea that you can’t or aren’t supposed to feel or express unpleasant emotions at this time of year or at family gatherings. At times, you may not have enough empty space to process your emotions or there may be too much space and you may find it difficult to fill that space without feeling like you’re being pulled in different directions.
Alcohol and unhealthy foods are in both high supply and high demand - not everyone has an easy relationship with food and alcohol. Managing certain family members when they get intoxicated may be dreadful or managing your weight and maintaining your healthy habits can be more challenging.
You might have difficult memories associated with the holiday or season. Some people experienced a lot of emotional tension and family turmoil over holidays during their upbringing and may still struggle with the expectation to engage in certain family traditions. Other people are grieving the loss of a loved one and the holidays serve as a reminder of that loss.
Difficult conversations over prevalent political or social divides or over your personal career, relationship status, parenting style, lifestyle choices or circumstances.
Stress and tension over increased financial obligations or expectations.
Perhaps in the past, you felt that putting up with these conflicted personal and family dynamics was necessary in order to keep the peace in your family - but what if I told you that keeping the peace within yourself is a more worthwhile endeavor?
“Your peace is something that you must personally claim and aggressively protect. Do not seek to maintain harmony so much so that you avoid conflict with others by creating it within yourself.”
During this time of the year, we often underestimate the importance of prioritizing our own needs, self-care, self-regulating, and 'me' time - especially if you’re on a healing journey and learning how to take care of yourself in ways that that no one modeled for you.
Protect your peace by prioritizing your self-care and clearly communicating your needs and boundaries. This is a different type of self-care that’s centered around the decisions you make that preserve your emotional bandwidth.
Decide now that you will:
Not accept the invitation to be gaslit - choose not to engage and opt out of conversations with people who manipulate.
Choose to breathe into tense moments so you can respond instead of react - you own your triggers. Protect your nervous system - protect your peace! Your body/your emotions - control them - don’t let them control you.
Place conscious attention on running your own emotional show so you’re able to make better decisions in your relationships and communicate your needs and boundaries clearly. Refuse to give your power away - don’t self-abandon by engaging in people-pleasing.
Choose not to buy into the negative stories that your family members or old friends may tell about you by stepping into a past version of yourself that you dislike and have worked to evolve out of.
Remove yourself from peer groups that are energy vampires.
Not overstretch yourself financially out of your own sense of obligation to reciprocate gifts, give extravagant gifts, or host lavish holiday events. If you want to give a gift, give within your means, give it from the heart with no expectations, and assume other people do the same.
Give yourself grace and take a break. Take as much alone time as you can get so you can see and feel through areas of yourself that need your attention. Are you feeling resentment? That’s a sign that you’re silencing yourself when you should be speaking up. Feeling angry? Deep sadness typically lies underneath anger.
Choose to spend your time, energy, and resources on and with people who are emotionally supportive, caring, respectful of your needs, and appreciative of your presence.
Clearly communicate your needs and boundaries. Start commanding respect from those around you when you stand up for yourself - say “no” or “that’s not a topic I want to discuss now”. You don’t need anyone’s permission to take care of yourself so ask for or take what you need and go do it.
Choose to stay positive - write about how you feel in a private journal, volunteer your time giving back to a cause you care about, reconnect with those people you keep thinking about but have been hesitant to reach out to, take a class doing something creative and fun, practice gratitude, seek opportunities to experience joy with others who will value those experiences or if no one is available - go on your own.
Remember, there is no set of communication skills or self-care tools that will work to support your wellbeing, to help you self-soothe, or to regulate your nervous system, if you don’t utilize them. By far, the best way to manage conflicted family and relationship dynamics during this season is to give yourself some grace, prioritize taking care of yourself, take action on protecting your peace, and preserve your emotional bandwidth.
Stay Edgy-
Coach Oriana Guevára, MHR, MBA
Co-Founder, The Edgy Entrepreneur
© Edgy Entrepreneur, LLC. • 51 E. Jefferson St. #3292, Orlando, FL 32802 • www.edgyentrepreneurs.com
